


Wands and Arrows

by Runic_Purple_Panda



Series: 75 words [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Always A Girl Harry Potter - Freeform, Draco Malfoy is not treated well, F/M, Harry Potter is Laura Barton, Pietro Maximoff Lives, Ron Weasley is Gullible as Hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-04-28 20:44:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5105105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Runic_Purple_Panda/pseuds/Runic_Purple_Panda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabbles based on seventy-five randomly generated words.</p>
<p>Clint Barton's wife was the most terrifying person Natasha had ever met, including the Winter Soldier who had shown up one time and killed her charge by shooting through her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 01-15

**Author's Note:**

> These are not in chronological order, so assuming they are will make reading this really confusing.

**01\. Frighten**

Natasha Romanoff did not frighten easily.  She was a product of the Red Room, one of the most deadly assassins in the entire world.  She had faced down every person sent to kill her and came out on top.

But Clint Barton’s wife was the most terrifying person Natasha had ever met, including the Winter Soldier who had shown up one time and killed her charge by shooting through her.

Natasha wasn’t sure why, but she was absolutely sure that the 5 foot 3 inch woman with bright green eyes was the most dangerous person on the planet.  Harri Barton smiled at her, and didn’t dissuade her of the notion.

* * *

**02\. Cactus**

Phil Coulson was the one who brought him into S.H.I.E.L.D.  Phil Coulson was not, however, his first handler.  Clint, years later, couldn’t even remember the name of the agent, or the mission itself.  What he did remember was Harri’s reaction when he had come home, half-dead, from his first mission with the man.

“And you know what, you can go find yourself a cactus, and shove it up your ass so far you _choke_ on it, asshole!”  Harri slammed the phone back down on the receiver, ending the call.

“I love you,” Clint said, hopped up on a mix of pain meds and potions, which probably explained the fact he didn’t have much memory of the time.

“I love you too dear, but I think I’m going to kill your handler.”

“My wife’s a badass!”

“Yes, dear, I know.  Now go to sleep.”

“Mmkay.”

The last thing he heard before drifting off was Harri grumbling about contacting Maria Hill to insure the agent in question got a cactus delivered to him.

* * *

  **03\. Alleged**

Most of his first jobs as a mercenary were from bounty posters, so Clint collected them whenever he could.  He was surprised to find one of those posters showed the girl he had met the day his brother disappeared.

_Undesirable No. 1_

_Laura Harriet “Harri” Potter_

The list of crimes underneath her picture made Clint shiver.  The girl couldn’t possible have done all of them – she was two years younger than he was – she hadn’t had the time to do all of those crimes.

He’d track her down, but he wouldn’t kill her.  He’d confront her about the bounty poster and the list of alleged crimes instead. 

* * *

**04\. Scandalous**

Petunia Dursley did not like her niece.  What she did like was her reputation.  And regardless of the lies she had spread about her sister, her niece reflected on her own reputation since she was the one who raised her.

Which was probably why Harri started drinking at bars as soon as she was old enough, even though she rarely drank alcohol while she was there.

And why she decided to sleep with the first guy who came to talk with her at the bar, which could have also been because he was hot as hell.

Harri didn’t mention the incident, or the note that the guy left behind.  But Petunia Dursley _knew_ , and she was extremely unhappy about it, which in turn made Harri extremely happy.

The ensuing rant about scandalous behavior was worth it.

* * *

**05\. Five**

“Five?” Clint asked, staring at Harri in shock.

“Yes, five,” Harry said.  “At least two of each.”

“But _five_?  We’re going to have to get a bigger place.”

“Yeah, I was thinking maybe somewhere out in the country,” Harri said, giving him a coy smile, “but you know the best part of five children?”

“What?”

“ _Making_ them.”

Clint was late for work the next day, and carried bruises that several other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents made cat-calls about. 

* * *

**06\. Zealous**

Bellatrix Lestrange was the most zealous Death Eater Harri and Hermione could name.  So Clint took it upon himself to take the woman out.  Harri and Hermione tried to talk him out of it, but he slipped away in the night while they were sleeping.

Harri knew when he succeeded because her scar felt like it was on fire.

Voldemort had found Bellatrix with an arrow in her heart, and he was not happy about it.  He took his anger out on the other Death Eaters, thinning his ranks even further.

* * *

**07\. Concern**

Loki was just about to mock the concerned and terrified look on Thor’s face when a woman entered behind him.  Loki had never met this woman before, but he recognized her all the same.

The Master of Death had arrived.

And judging by the look on her face, she was extremely unhappy.  Just his luck that the cause of her unhappiness was him.

“Where.  Is.  My.  Husband,” she growled out at him.

Husband?  Oh, surely she didn’t mean the Hawk.  Then again, what was it the Hawk had said?  Ah yes – “My wife is the most terrifying woman on the planet.”  Loki couldn’t imagine someone being more terrifying than the Master of Death – not even Thanos himself.

Loki let out a terrified squeak and then told her everything he knew.

* * *

**08\. Impossible**

“Impossible,” Wanda whispered, as she watched her brother sit up, gasping for air.

“No, not impossible,” the woman, the archer’s wife, told her, wiping the sweat from her brow.  “It just can’t be done unless under the right circumstances.”

“Which we had,” Clint said.

“He saved your life darling, so I saved his.  Now, I suggest you go find a Doctor.”

“I thought you healed him completely?”

“I did – ahh!” She bend over and clutched her stomach.  “But that’s now fifteen minutes between contractions.”

“Wait, you’re in labor?”

“Yes, I’m in labor!  Now find me a doctor!”

* * *

  **09\. Slimy**

“Ew,” Lila groaned, watching her mother make a potion.  “Is it supposed to be that slimy?”

Harriet scrunched up her nose and looked in the book, “I don’t think so.  Oh, well.  I suppose I’ll just have to start again.”

“Isn’t there something at the doctor’s office that lets you see the baby instead?” Cooper asked.

“Yeah,” Harriet said.  “And it’s what your dad wants to do, but I’m going to get this potion down if it kills me.”

The next six batches were each slimier than the one before.

“Want to make an appointment to get a sonogram?” Harriet asked Clint when he got home.

* * *

**10\. Break**

“You started at a circus, became a mercenary, apparently took a break for over a year, and then go back to being a mercenary, suddenly targeting only those who commit crimes against women and children,” Coulson said.  “Want to tell me what happened during that break?”

Clint smiled at him, “I met a woman.  _That_ woman.”

Coulson felt the barrel of a gun against the back of his neck.  The woman holding it let out a cheerful, “Hi, honey, I’m home!”

“And just in time too, sweetheart.  Agent Coulson here has a job offer for me.”

“A decent job offer?”

“It’s beginning to sound that way.”

“So…I shouldn’t have dumped his friends in the Thames, then?”

“The Thames?” Coulson asked.

“Big river running through London?”

“We’re in Frankfurt, Germany!”

* * *

**11\. Ray**

“Well, aren’t you a lovely ray of sunshine,” Luna said.

“Go away Luna,” Harri said into her pillow.

“No,” Luna said.  Harri peeked out from under the pillow to glare at the blonde girl.

“I’m not interested in sharing my sorrows, or talking through my grief, or whatever Hermione wants to call it.  I want to mourn Sirius in peace.”

Luna smiled at her, as if she was about to give Harri all the secrets of the universe.

* * *

**12\. Frugal**

Due to the way the two of them grew up, it was not surprise to either Clint or Harri that both of them were frugal with the money they managed to make.  Even if Clint’s pay from S.H.I.E.L.D. left them with a large nest egg, and Harri’s inheritance from her parents and godfather meant they could afford the largest mansion they could find.

And then their first child was born, and they both had trouble telling him no.

* * *

**13\. Oatmeal**

Splat!

Pietro’s reared back in surprise, staring at Nathaniel in shock.  Nathaniel gave him an innocent look, and pointedly ignored the oatmeal that had been left on his hand.

Pietro looked over to Wanda and Harri who were doing their best not to laugh.

“You wanted to feed him,” Harri said.

* * *

**14\. Bunny**

Lila and Cooper had been star-struck by the Avengers when they had stayed on the farm, but that had mostly worn off by the time they first visited Avengers Tower, where Lila proceeded to get into an argument with Tony Stark over what the best animal in the world was.

Lila said bunny.

Tony said dragons, having recently learned of their existence as actual living things.

The argument lasted for three hours, and only ended when Lila accidentally transfigured Tony into a bunny.

* * *

**15\. Sloppy**

Clint frowned at his sloppy handwriting, but shrugged and left the note on the bedside table, and went to find his brother.

Harri awoke half-an-hour later.  The only reminder of the previous night was the ache between her legs and a note written in handwriting nearly as bad as hers.

_Awesome night, but I’ve got to go.  Sorry. – Clint_

“Clint,” Harri said.  “Are you the one Luna said would break the wheel?”


	2. 16-30

**16\. Bang**

The emergency portkey plowed through the wards with a loud bang, depositing her husband and a silver-haired man in her kitchen.

“He saved my life,” Clint said.  “Can you save his?”

“I’m the Master of Death.  Of course I can,” Harri said, as if it was obvious.  Clint supposed it was.

* * *

**17\. Ring**

“Is that what I think it is?” Mrs. Weasley asked.

“Yep,” Harri said, allowing everyone at the kitchen table to get a better look at her hand.

Hermione gave Ron a grin, “I told you they were going to get married eventually.”

“Isn’t he supposed to ask permission first, before he asks her to marry him?” Ron grumbled.

Mr. Weasley, having already seen the ring, turned the page of the newspaper he was reading, “He did.”  The other Weasleys looked at him in shock.

“He asked your permission?” Harri asked.

“Yes he did,” Mr. Weasley confirmed.

* * *

**18\. Skin**

“Good evening,” Harri said cheerfully.

“Who are you!?  How did you get in here!?” Doom demanded, pointing a gun at her.

“Now, now, none of that,” Harri said, waving her hand and turning Doom’s gun into a banana.  “You should keep that; good source of potassium, you know.  Anyway, we need to have a talk.”

Doom looked at his gun in shock and then back to Harri.

“These Doombot attacks on New York?  They’ve got to stop.  Every time my kids and I go to see my husband, it seems there’s another round of Doombots, and the last time nearly killed my husband’s best friend.”

Harri stopped smiling, taking on a far more terrifying visage, “Now, if it were my husband nearly dying, you’d already be dead.  Not that I don’t absolutely love Natasha, but I don’t feel nearly as protective over her as I do my family.”

Harry smiled again, “So, here’s the deal.  You can keep bugging Richards and his band of fantastic whatever, but no more Doombot attacks on the US, okay.  Or England for that matter, just in case I decide to visit home.  And in return, you get your face back.”

“Wha?” A mirror appeared in front of Doom and his mask disappeared.  He watched as the scarred skin on his face slowly healed, becoming clear unblemished skin.

“Who are you?” he asked again, running his fingers over his new face.

“Not someone you want to cross.  And if you do, I’ll melt your new pretty face off, along with the rest of your skin.”  Harri disappeared with a loud ‘Pop!’, startling Doom.

* * *

**19\. Expansion**

“Oh,” Harri said from the bathroom.

“What?” Clint asked.  Harri came out and sat on the bed and passed him a stick.  He recognized it as an early pregnancy test.  And there were two pink lines, indicating Harri was pregnant…again.

“We already have five,” Clint groaned.

“Yeah, well, apparently we’re going to have six.”

“I thought you started taking birth control pills?”

“I did, but they’re not completely foolproof, you know.  And we’re going to need a bigger house.”

“I’ll start planning out an expansion tomorrow.  Should I build more than one extra bedroom?”

“I’d like to say ‘no, one’s enough’, but considering number six here was a surprise, you might have to.  Besides, once the twins get old enough, they’re each going to want a room to themselves.”

* * *

**20\. Violet**

For the sixth time in a month, Clint found another violet on his desk.

“What the hell is going on?”

“She’s got a crush on you,” Natasha said, perched on top of a filing cabinet, grooming her fingernails.

“Who does?”

“Violet from accounting.  It’s why all your financing requests get approved so quickly.”

“Does she know I’m married?”

“No one but me, Fury, Hill, and Coulson know you’re married.”

“I think I’ll start wearing my wedding ring to work.”

* * *

**21\. Impolite**

In the middle of the meeting where they were trying to figure out what Loki was planning, the rest of the soon to be called Avengers were startled when Thor let out a girlish shriek.  They all stared at him in shock as he stared at someone else in horror.

He pointed a shaky finger at a woman who had appeared in the middle of the room with an angry look on her face.  Fury, Hill, and Natasha were the only ones to recognize her.

“Oh boy,” Hill said.

“Hi Harri,” Natasha said.

“Fuck,” Fury said.  “What do you want?”

“Where’s the little shit stain that stole my husband?” Harri demanded, using the sort of impolite language she would scold either of her two children for.

Thor said something none of the others could understand, in the same high pitch that his shriek had used.

“What makes you think I care that he’s your brother, _Odinson_?  He stole my husband!” Harri hissed.  Thor let out another shriek.

* * *

**22\. Fancy**

“That girl is way too fancy for you,” Barney said.

The girl in question was sitting at the bar, nursing a brightly colored drink that almost managed to match the shade of her green eyes.  The best part about the circus passing through England was the age limit for alcohol being at sixteen and up.

“Twenty bucks says I can totally get her in bed,” Clint said.

“You’re on,” Barney said.  Clint grinned and headed towards the bar, not noticing as Barney snuck out the door.

* * *

**23\. Repulsive**

“They want me to what?” Harri asked.

Hermione frowned in distaste, “They want you to marry Draco Malfoy.”

“What for?”

“To unify the two sides of the war by uniting the two youngest faces of the war,” Hermione quoted.

“And the fact that I find him repulsive, repugnant, revolting, and however many other words you could think off to describe him?”

“Foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach still works,” Hermione said.  “And I tried telling the Wizengamot members how you really felt about Malfoy, but well, they’re old and set in their ways.”

“Can they force it?”

“Not legally.”

“Tell them if they try, I will treat them and Malfoy like Voldemort.”

“I think it might come better if say, an arrow or two, were to pass the message along instead.”

* * *

**24\. Unkempt**

“I brought home another stray,” Clint said, pointing over his shoulder to the unkempt man with the silver arm that was hesitating to step into the farmhouse.

“So you did,” Harri said.  “You’re explaining this one to Natasha though.”

“She’s here?”

“Yeah, well, no.  She took the kids out for ice cream.  They’ll be back soon.”

“Will she tell Steve I’m here?” the man asked.

“Doesn’t matter,” Harri said.  “If she does, we’ll change the wards to keep him out until you want to see him.  You’re safe here.”

The man slumped down into a chair, with a sigh of relief, “Thank you.”

* * *

**25\. Tiger**

“You got snuck up on by a little girl?” Fury demanded.  Coulson gave him a sheepish smile.

Said little girl let out an indignant, “Hey!” and then turned his desk into a tiger.

“Motherfucker!” Fury yelled, trying to get as far away from the tiger as possible and falling over his favorite wheelie chair.

* * *

**26\. Object**

“I object!” Draco Malfoy exclaimed bursting into the church.  There was no one there to object to.  He looked around, hoping to find someone, but he couldn’t.  He pulled out the wedding invitation, wondering, “Where is everyone?”

The last time he looked at the invitation it had held the date, time, and place of the Girl-Who-Lived’s wedding to a muggle.  Now all that was there was a giant face blowing a raspberry at him, while the Weasley twins could be heard in the background going, “Ha ha ha ha ha,” over and over again.

“I’ve been had!” Malfoy yelled.  The wedding invitation ripped itself up and stuffed itself in his mouth.

* * *

**27\. Bite**

“Thor,” Harri said.  Thor let out another shriek.  Harri rolled her eyes.  Thankfully, the rest of the Avengers had learned to recognize Thor’s ‘Harri Shriek’ as they called it and didn’t come running.

“Thor,” Harry said again, “you have to stop doing that.  I promise, I don’t bite.  Most of the time, anyway.”

* * *

**28\. Soft**

“Soft,” Lila said, petting the bunny, and holding it close.  Maria struggled to keep from laughing again.

“Yes dear,” Harri said, “I’m sure he is.  But you need to give me the bunny so I can turn him back now.”

“Do I have really have too?” Lila asked, turning her puppy-dog eyes onto her parents.

Clint faltered, but Harri remained steadfast, “Yes, dear, you have too.”

“Aw,” Lila said, handing over the bunny.

“We are never letting him live this down,” Maria said, snickering.

* * *

**29\. Silly**

“That’s silly,” Ron said.  “It couldn’t possibly be true.”

“It totally is,” Clint said.  “Hey, Nat, back me up on this?”

“Back you up on what, Barton?”

“Isn’t every car in the world capable of turning into a giant alien robot?”

“Of course they don’t,” Ron said.

“No,” Natasha said, “they do.”

“They do?”

“They do.”

“Dad’s old car didn’t do that.”

“Did you keep your eye on it every second of the day?”

“Well, no.”

“Then how do you know it didn’t transform while you weren’t looking,” Clint asked.

* * *

**30\. Accurate**

“It’s a boy,” the doctor said, handing the baby over to a nurse.  “And, hold on, looks like his sibling wants to join the world as well.”

“Sibling?” Clint asked.  Harri gave him a blank look.

“ _Oh, sonograms are so accurate_ ,” she told him.  “ _And we can see the baby too.  Much better than your silly potion, Harri_.”

Clint gave a nervous laugh.

“Well, it certainly didn’t see the _second_ baby, did it?”

“I need you to push, Mrs. Barton.”

“I am pushing!”


	3. 31-45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of the words I’d never heard of before got transformed into one of their synonyms. Number 31 on the other hand, remained as it was, and Clint's reaction was pretty much mine when I first read it. 
> 
> The idea for the Odin scene in Number 37 came from an episode of one of the Avengers cartoons on Netflix.

**31\. Didactic**

“Di-da-what?” Clint asked.  Fred and George had challenged Hermione to list every word in the dictionary, from memory.  She was going for it.

“Didactic,” Hermione repeated.  Harri, Clint, and Ron all looked at each other in confusion.

“What does that even mean?” Ron asked.

Hermione huffed, but defined it, “’Designed or intended to teach’ is one definition.  Another is ‘making moral observations’.”

“That’s an actual word?” Harri asked.

“Of course it’s an actual word!”

“I dare you to use it in a sentence,” Clint said.

* * *

**32\. Annoyed**

Clint Barton had a thing for strays.  A dog or cat, here and there, and most notably Harri herself, but with one child and another on the way, Harri was annoyed when he kept bringing them home.

“Honey, I brought a present, kind of,” Clint’s voice echoed from the front porch.

Harri groaned, “I swear to God Clint, I will strangle your tiny neck if it’s another dog.”  The last one had ripped up her three favorite shirts, all the curtains and shoes it could find, and peed _everywhere_.  Their first dog, Lucky, had been much better behaved.

What followed Clint in the door was not another dog or even a cat, but a red-haired woman that eyed her warily.

“Well,” Harri said, “at least _this_ stray isn’t going to pee on my floors.”

Clint gave her a sappy grin, making her roll her eyes.

* * *

**33\. Dark**

“That would make us just as dark as they are!” Ron argued.

“No, it wouldn’t,” Harri said.  “We’re not going to find an innocent person, torture them to death, and then have a good old laugh after it with our buddies!  We’re going to track down the people that _are_ doing that and kill them quickly and cleanly, before they can do more harm to anyone else!”

“I won’t be part of murder!”

“It’s not murder; it’s cleaning out an infection.”

“I’m out.  That’s not what I signed up for!”

“Well then, you shouldn’t have signed up at all!” Harri shrieked at him.  “I tried to leave you behind if you’ll recall!”

“Are you coming Hermione?”

“No.  I’m staying.  I’m sorry Ron, but Harri’s right.  We can’t just keep using stunners and hope that the enemy won’t just revive their comrades.”

Ron stormed out of the tent.

* * *

**34\. Wheel**

“I feel like my life is going around in a circle like a wheel that doesn’t stop,” Harri said.  “Dursleys, Hogwarts, attempt on my life, Dursleys, Hogwarts, attempt on my life.”  She sighed.  “I don’t know what to do.”

“Well,” Luna said.  “You must break the wheel.”

“How?”

“The wheel is a little too strong to break right now, but we can start putting cracks in it.  There’s a bar not far from where the Dursleys live.”

“Yeah, what about it?”

“Go there.  You’ll meet the person who will give you the first crack in the wheel, and eventually break it completely.”

“Promise?”

Luna smiled serenely at her, “I promise.”

* * *

**35\. Wisp**

“I can’t find the slightest wisp of his soul, nearby or in the afterlife,” Harri muttered.  She looked up at Clint.  “Does he have any living family?”

“He’s got a sister, a twin sister,” Clint told her.

“He’s got a twin!?”

“Is that important?”

“ _Is that important!?_ ” Harri felt like smacking her head against the table.  Unfortunately, the no-longer-quite-so-dead silver-haired man was occupying the majority of it.  “Twins don’t pass on without the other.  I need to see his twin.  She’s got his soul following her around.”

* * *

**36\. Degree**

“Not bad for a guy who never went to high school,” Clint said, looking over his new degree in mathematics.

“You seem surprised,” Harri said.

“You don’t.”

“All those trick shots with your arrows?  The fact that you never miss?  You must be some sort of genius with maths and physics.  You just needed a little push to make you try.”

* * *

**37\. Wise**

Odin, having seen the warriors of Midgard that his son fought alongside, decided to test them to see if they were worthy to see Asgard.

And, of course, the only way to test worthiness in Asgard was by battle.

Odin attacked during a group picnic on a farm, ignoring the others that were with the Avengers.  Had he not done so, he may have recognized the Archer’s wife as the Master of Death, and avoided the red hand-shaped mark that remained on his cheek for a month.

SLAP!

“Today is my anniversary, you arsewipe!” she yelled.  Thor held up a finger and opened his mouth, only for the woman to say, “Shut it, Thor.”  Thor wisely shut it.  She began poking Odin in the chest, “This is the first time I’ve seen my husband in WEEKS, and we decided to spend it with our friends and family, and you decide to ATTACK OUT OF NOWHERE!  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”

Odin did the only thing he could do.  He backed up, apologizing with every step, and then yelled for Heimdall to open the bifrost.  He tried telling himself that his retreat was because she was the Master of Death, and not because she was an angry woman that could rival his wife in furious rage.

* * *

**38\. Ethereal**

“What the fu-!?” Clint ducked as the ethereal form of his wife shot a spell at the people following him.  “How are you even here!?”

“I’m not,” she said.  Even her voice sounded as if it wasn’t really there.  “I’m using a form of Astral Projection that allows me to effect the world around me.”

“Oh.  So you’re still safe at home?”

“My body is.  Don’t worry.  Luna and Lucky are watching over it.  But this is the last time you go on a job without me until you find some decent backup.”

Watching another spell from his wife turn a man into a fish, Clint immediately agreed with, “Yes, ma’am.”

* * *

**39\. Science**

Tony Stark believed in SCIENCE, not magic.  So when he first heard Clint refer to his wife as a witch, he was skeptical.  He remained skeptical to the idea of magic right up until the day Clint’s oldest daughter turned him into a bunny.

Fortunately, Harri Barton was thoughtful enough to ensure FRIDAY had enough room to record multiple angles of him being turned back into a human so that Tony could go over them later.

Unfortunately, Maria Hill had also recorded a video, which she then proceeded to send to Pepper, all of the Avengers, and a certain S.H.I.E.L.D. agent no one else in the tower knew was alive yet.

* * *

**40\. Brass**

Clint had met all of Harri’s family, well before proposing to her.  Fred and George were, without a doubt, the scariest of all the Weasleys, including the one that worked with dragons.

Fred, the one with both ears, looked him up and down, “Big brass ones, Gred.”

“Indeed Forge,” his twin George, the one with only one ear, said.  “Asking our favorite sister to marry him.”

“Especially considering how many older brothers she has, Gred.”

“How many of us are there again, Forge?”

“Well there’s us two, Bill, Charlie, Ron, Percy probably doesn’t count, but there’s Neville, Seamus, and Dean who are all as protective over her as we are, Gred.”

“And let’s not forget Kingsley and Mad-Eye, my good Forge.”

“I thought they were more like Uncles myself, Gred.”

“Harri doesn’t like calling anyone Uncle, so they’re just much older brothers, Forge.”

“Ah, of course, which leads us back to our first point, Gred.”

“Ah, yes, big brass ones, wasn’t it, Forge?”

“Yes, big brass ones.  Hurt her and we’ll hurt you.”

Clint laughed, “I hurt her, and _she’ll_ hurt me.  You guys can have whatever’s left, assuming there is any.”

“Good point,” Fred said.

“A good point indeed,” George said.

* * *

**41\. Bizarre**

“What the hell is that?” Clint asked, staring at the bizarre looking object.

“An anniversary gift,” Harri said.

“From who?”

“Luna, I think.”

“What is it?”

“Something to keep the plumperdinkles away.”

“Plumperdinkles?”

“No idea.”

“That girl is bizarre.”

“Yeah, but she’s the one who pointed me in the direction of the bar we met at, so…”

“Wait, she did?”

“I wouldn’t have been there at all if she hadn’t.  I don’t like drinking alcohol all that often.”

“I’ll have to remember to get her an awesome thank you gift.  You have any idea what she’d like?”

“A crumple-horned snorkack for a pet.”

“A what?”

“No idea.”

* * *

**42\. Valuable**

One of the masked man walked around the bank with a bag, “Stick all your valuables in the bag.  Jewelry, wallets, everything!”

Suddenly Harri wished she and Clint had chosen somewhere a little closer to a Gringotts branch so she didn’t have to go to a muggle bank.  Barnes, having chosen to go with her on her bank and grocery run, sized up the three masked men.

“I could take them,” he whispered to her.

“Without anyone else getting hurt?”

Barnes nodded.

Harri gave him a wry look, “Have fun.”

Two seconds later the three men were on the floor unconscious and Barnes was back by her side.

“The fuck just happened?” the Bank Manager asked.

* * *

**43\. Hand**

“Potter,” Malfoy greeted.  “Have you decided on a place?”

“A place for what Malfoy?” Harri asked.

“The wedding of course,” he said smugly.  “We are to be marri-“  Draco fell over unconscious and Clint began shaking his hand.

“Oh, ow.  Geez, what is that kid’s face made off – tiny little knives?  What did he mean by you two getting married?”

“The Wizengamot thinks the two of us marrying will unify the two sides of the war,” Harri said, rolling her eyes.  “It’s not going to happen, _ever_.”

“Well, I hope not, especially since I was planning on asking you.”

“Really?”

Clint smiled, got down on one knee, and pulled out a ring box, “Really.”

Harri’s high-pitched squeal woke Draco up, long enough for him to hear her repeatedly say, “Yes!” before Clint swung her around, and her foot connected with Draco’s head, knocking him out once more.

* * *

**44\. Amused**

“You!” Hermione said, pointing at Clint.

“Me?” Clint asked, giving her an amused smirk.

“Stop convincing my husband that movie plots are real!”

“Would I do that?”

“Yes,” Harri and Hermione answered together.

* * *

**45\. Lock**

Natasha, Harri noticed, liked to lock the door.  It wasn’t a very strong lock, which Harri was sure Natasha had noticed.  Still, every night for the past three weeks, Natasha would lock the door to her room when it was time for bed.

With Clint on another mission for S.H.I.E.L.D., punishment for bringing home a stray Harri was sure, he wouldn’t be able to replace it anytime soon.  So Harri took Natasha out to the local hardware store herself, once Cooper had been dropped off at Pre-K.

“What are we doing here?” Natasha asked.  It was the first thing she had said to Harri that hadn’t been asked through Clint or Cooper.  Harri still wasn’t sure why the other woman seemed terrified of her.

“These,” Harri said, once they arrived in the aisle for doors, doorknobs, and locks.  “Pick one, or two, or ten, as many as you want.  Just try to make sure they match the rest of the doorknobs in the hallway please.”

Natasha blinked, and then quickly and quietly began grabbing as many as she could.  She paused, “Are you sure you can afford this?”

Harri smiled, “I have a large inheritance from my parents.  I haven’t used much of it, but I’d like you to feel as safe as possible in our home.”


	4. 46-60

**46\. Ghost**

Her husband’s silver-haired no-longer-dead savior approached her, nearly as pale as the ghosts in Hogwarts.

“I understand that you are the one that saved me,” he said.  “I am indebted to you.”

“No you’re not.  You saved my husband, and to repay that debt I saved you.”

“But-”

“No buts,” Harri said, in a no-nonsense voice Clint normally called her ‘mom voice’.

“This is not your first time being a mother,” he said.

“Nope,” she said, popping the ‘p’.  “Cooper was the first, then Lila, and now the twins.  You know, it occurs to me that we’ve not actually been introduced yet.  I’m Harri Barton, well Laura Barton, but I’ve gone by Harri for my entire life.  It’s a nickname for my middle name.”

“Pietro Maximoff.  My sister, Wanda, is with your husband, cooing over your daughter.”

“Ah, so _that’s_ where Pietro came from,” she said, looking at the baby boy in her arms.  “And here I thought your daddy just pulled it out of his arse.

“Wait, what?  The baby is…”

“Nathaniel Pietro Barton,” she said.  Pietro looked at the baby in awe.  “Wanna hold him?”

* * *

**47\. Hill**

Maria Hill looked down to see Lila Barton tugging on her shirt with one hand, and holding a brightly colored tie-dye bunny in the other.

“I need to find my mom.  Can you help?”

“Sure sweetie,” Maria said.  “Let’s go find her.  So, what’s the bunny’s name.”

“Tony.”

“Oh?  Did you name him after Stark?”

“No.  It is Tony Stark.”

“What?”

“I accidentally turned Tony Stark into a bunny and then Cooper and I tried to turn him back, but it only made him different colors, so I need to find my mom so she can change him back instead.”

The bunny began to chatter angrily at Maria when she burst into laughter.

* * *

**48\. Look**

Hill gave a loud yell and slammed the office door.  Fury cleared his throat from a shadowy corner of the hall.

“Sir, are you aware there’s a tiger in your office?”

“Fucking Bartons.”

Hill gave him a dubious look.

* * *

**49\. Scrumptious**

“Well, aren’t you just a scrumptious little thing,” Ginny said, pinching Cooper’s cheeks.  Ginny delighted in becoming the hated aunt that pinched cheeks, and no one was quite sure why.

Cooper wondered if it would be okay to bite her.  Then Ginny moved onto Lila, and Lila did bite her.

“Ow!” Ginny exclaimed, rubbing her hand.

“That’s what you get,” Harri said, in a sing-song voice.

“Oh, bite me.”

“Why?  Didn’t get enough when Lila bit you?”

* * *

**50\. Hammer**

“I’d like to take a hammer to his head,” Clint muttered, watching as Justin Hammer still flirted with his wife.

“We wait any longer, and Harri might conjure one and do it herself,” Natasha said, gesturing at the increasingly aggravated look on Harri’s face.

“So, let’s just wait a few more minutes then,” Tony said.  “Personally, I’d love watching Hammer get a hammer to the head.”

* * *

**51\. Flowers**

“Potter, open up, I know you’re in there!” came through the door.  Clint opened it to find Draco Malfoy.  “Where’s my fiancé?”

Clint kicked him in the shin, “My fiancé, actually, douchebag.”  He then grabbed the flowers Draco was holding, shoved them down his throat and kicked him between the legs.  He stepped back into the apartment and shut and locked the door behind him, before returning to bed.

“Who was that?” Harri asked sleepily.

“Just some idiot, don’t worry about it,” Clint said, kissing her on the forehead.  “Go back to sleep.”

“Mmkay.”

* * *

**52\. Curious**

“Why are you giving me a baby, Barton?” Coulson asked, giving him a curious look.  He had been forced to call in the Avengers and reveal he was alive, but he was surprised to see Harri Barton trailing after her husband, with their children in tow.

“His names Phil,” Clint said.

“What?”

“Phillip Sirius Barton.  He’s named after Harri’s godfather too.”

“Should there be kids in the base?” Mack asked.

“Each of those kids can turn you into a tiny, fluffy creature if you annoy them,” Tony said.

“And he definitely knows,” Steve added.

“Shut up, Rogers.” 

“Hill sent me the video,” Coulson said.  Baby Phillip chose that moment to sneeze and turn Coulson’s hair blue in the process.”

“Huh, I didn’t do that until I was in primary,” Harri said.

“Five already, huh?” Coulson asked.

“Yeah, and she wants _more_ ,” Clint said in a loud whisper.

* * *

**53\. Committee**

“What the fuck is this?” Harri asked, picking up the letter, to take a closer look at the sender.  “Committee for Proper Magical Marriages?”

“What’s going on?” Clint said, rolling over and putting an arm around her waist.

“ _Dear Ms. Potter,_ ” she read.

“That should say Mrs. Barton.”

Harri continued, “ _We regret to inform you that the paperwork for your marriage to Mr. Clint Barton was not filled out properly, and therefore your marriage has been annulled._ ”

“What!?” Clint said, now more awake.

“Don’t worry, the rings haven’t disappeared, we’re good.  We had a magical wedding remember.  If it were really annulled the rings would have disappeared.”  Harri held out her left hand where her wedding ring still resided, and Clint grabbed it with his own.

“So what do we do about the committee, then?”

“I think someone must have paid them off to send it; three guesses as to who.”

“And the first two don’t count.”

“I’ll pay the committee a visit later, after the rest of our honeymoon, and put the fear of Voldemort’s destroyer in them.”

* * *

**54\. Pack**

“Is the red-head okay?” Steve asked.

“Which one?” Clint asked.  All of the Weasleys were around.

“The one with the brunette,” Bucky said.  “He was asking weird questions earlier.”

“Ah, Ron.  He’s…a few short of a six-pack I think, and extremely dense on top of it.  Luckily, all his kids got their mom’s intelligence.”

“How many short of a six-pack?” Bucky asked.

“He will believe practically anything you tell him about something non-magical.”

“Really?” Steve asked, skeptically.

“Really.  Had him believing Transformers were real once.  And if you start singing _One, Two, Freddy’s Coming For You_ , he freaks out.”

* * *

**55\. Frame**

“Happy birthday, Mom,” Cooper said, hopping on the bed and handing her a present.  Harri opened it to find a handmade picture frame with a childish scrawl of ‘FaMiLY’ written across the bottom.

“Mrs. Nooka helped me make it.”  Mrs. Nooka was her son’s kindergarten teacher.

“Did she?” Harri asked.  “How nice of her.  You know what, why don’t you go get your Dad.”

“He’s making breakfast.”

“Mmm, I can smell it.  Go get him and tell him to come here for a few seconds, and we’ll take a picture to put in your frame okay?”

“Okay!”

* * *

**56\. Middle**

Harri and Hermione were in the middle of a battle with snatchers when an arrow whizzed by Harri’s ear and buried itself in a snatcher’s eye.

“What the hell!?” Hermione screamed as another arrow hit another snatcher.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!” Harri said.  “Or would that be gift unicorn in our case?”

“Who uses bloody arrows anymore?” Hermione grumbled.

“Our savior apparently,” Harri said.  Between the archer and the two witches the snatchers didn’t stand a chance.

“Now what?” Hermione asked.

“You’re asking me?” Harri stared at Hermione in shock.  “I’m usually the one that asks you that.”

“Well, for starters, you can explain how you became Undesirable No. 1,” their mystery savior said, walking out of the trees.

“Clint?”

* * *

**57\. Disagree**

“You can’t be serious,” Hermione said.

“I’m totally serious,” Harri said.

“I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree,” Hermione said.  “I’m not going.”

“You’re totally going, even if Clint, Ron, and I have to drag you up there,” Harri said.

“Absolutely not.  I’m not going bungee jumping; not even if you paid me!”

“Not even if I paid you with the entire library at Number 12?”

Hermione gasped, “Damn you.  You know my weakness.”

* * *

**58\. Legal**

“Did we just invite everyone we know to come spend the weekend here at the farm?” Clint asked.

“Yep,” Harri answered.

“Is that legal?”

“Yep.”

“Are we going to have a farm when this is over?”

“Hopefully.”

* * *

**59\. Imminent**

The other shoppers in Diagon Alley cleared a path, not wanting to be part of the imminent pain.  Draco Malfoy, however, did not see Harri Barton until she swung a bag of gold at his head, knocking him to the ground

“That’s for trying to annul my marriage, you tiny little cockroach.  By the way, I don’t think the Committee members will be taking your gold again.  You ever try something like this again, and I’ll show you exactly how I killed Voldemort, got it!?”

Malfoy nodded, finally deciding that getting Potter as his wife was too much of a hassle.

* * *

**60\. Question**

“So,” Hermione said, “It’s definitely a boy?  Have you picked out any names yet?”

“Cooper,” Harri said.

“Cooper?” Ron asked.

“I like the name,” Harri said, “and so does Clint.”

“But Cooper?”

Harri and Hermione ignored his grumbling as Hermione asked, “What about for his middle name?”

“Well,” Clint said, slowly, “We were thinking Cooper Vernon, or Cooper Dudley, or, my personal favorite, Cooper Severus.”

Hermione and Ron stared at him, slack-jawed, until Harri snorted, and she and Clint began laughing at them.

“Oh my God,” Hermione said, placing her hand over her heart.  “I actually thought you were serious.”

“Serious?  Naming any child of mine after one of the three men who treated me the worst when I was a kid?  Ha!  I’d name him Cooper Thomas first.  No, no, we decided to go with Cooper Ronald.”

Ron turned bright red, “R-Ronald?”

“Of course.  Why wouldn’t we?  You’re one of my best friends, after all.”

“And the first girl will have Hermione as a middle name,” Clint added.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was this close (||) to being titled Fucking Bartons, but I wasn’t comfortable with putting the word ‘Fuck’ in the title.


	5. 61-75

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Number 32 was Annoyed, but Annoying was also on the list of words.

**61\. Annoying**

Ron didn’t know who the other guy with his two best friends were, but he didn’t like him.  In fact, Ron found him rather annoying.  Hermione knew this.

She also knew that Clint thought very little of Ron for abandoning them after an argument.  She did her best to keep the peace though, because there was one thing she was absolutely sure of, even if Harri and Clint hadn’t figured it out themselves.

They were going to get married.

It might not be anytime soon, but it would happen eventually, assuming of course that Clint and Ron didn’t kill each other in the meantime.

* * *

**62\. Sour**

Thor gave Harri a sour look, “You said you didn’t bite!”  He held out his arm to show the teeth marks to the others.

“I said ‘most of the time’,” Harri said, arms crossed.  “And you started it with the hair pulling.”

“Lady Darcy said it was a credible fighting tactic!” Thor protested.

“Fighting tactic, Thor, _fighting_ tactic.  Not sparing tactic.  You pull my hair, I bite your arm.”

* * *

**63\. Homeless**

Homeless people weren’t anything new in his hometown, but this particular homeless person Clint recognized, even with the man covering his silver arm entirely.

“Hey Barnes, you need a place to stay?” Clint asked.

Barnes jumped and stared at him in shock for a few moments before asking, “Is, is Steve with you?”

“No.  You want me to call him for you?”

Barnes shook his head, “I need to find out who I am first.”

“Yeah?  C’mon then.  Fresh air is the best place to find yourself, but you my friend smell like you’ve been out in the fresh air a bit too long.  My place isn’t far from here.  You can stay there without having to worry about Steve showing up out of the blue.”

Barnes nodded slowly and followed him back to his car.

* * *

**64\. Spooky**

“Trick or treat!” Cooper and Lila said.

“Ahh!” Tony let out a fearful shriek.  Bruce chuckled as Tony continued, “Oh, they’re only costumes!”

The children giggled, and held out their bags for candy.  Tony dropped three king size Hersheys bars in both their bags.

“You should go find Pepper next.  She loves spooky stuff.”

* * *

**65\. Milk**

“Why are we buying all this milk?” Wanda asked.  Pietro shrugged.

“Because my wife is planning something,” Clint said.  “I’m not sure what, but I’m pretty sure it’s for a prank.”

“A prank?  What prank involves so much milk.”

“No idea, but I’m sure it’ll be funny.”

Draco Malfoy woke up the next day to his entire bedroom floor covered in cups filled with milk.

He groaned, “Ugh.  I hate milk.”  He carefully made his way to the door, only to find that the hallway was also filled with cups, even closer together to prevent him from sneaking through them.

* * *

**66\. Library**

“Where’s Little Phil?” Clint asked.

“Library,” Cooper, Lila, Nathaniel, and Natasha answered together.

“He’s becoming a Little Hermione,” Harri added.

“Hasn’t he been bullied there lately?" 

“That’s why Bucky and Steve went with him.  No one’s going to bother a kid while he’s sitting with Captain America and the Winter Soldier.”

* * *

**67\. Swift**

Harri Barton strode swiftly down the corridor towards the offices of the Committee for Proper Magical Marriages.  Her magic flared around her angrily, and everyone in the corridor ducked out of her way to avoid her wrath.

She didn’t bother knocking, letting her magic blast the door to smithereens, “Who wants to explain _this_?”  She held up the letter she had received during her honeymoon.

One of the clerks stood up, “I’m, I’m s-sorry.  It m-must have b-b-been sent b-by mist-t-take.”

“And did that mistake have anything to do with Draco Malfoy’s gold?” Harri hissed.

The clerk that spoke to her let out a gurgle and then fainted.  Another clerk handed over a bag of gold, “We-we-we’re sorry.  It wo-wo-won’t happen again.  P-p-promise.”

Harri nodded, grabbed the bag, and strode back out the doorway.

* * *

**68\. Stamp**

“How exactly does it work?” Ron asked, eying the stamps with distrust.

“Like this,” Bucky said, taking a stamp off the sheet and sticking it on his forehead.

“Really?” Ron asked, dubiously.

“Yep.  The more you have on your forehead, the smarter you get.”

Ron eyed the stamps with wonder.  Steve bit his cheek to keep from laughing.

* * *

**69\. Dog**

“You brought home a dog,” Harri said, standing on the couch cushions.

“He was outside in the rain and shivering and hungry,” Clint said.  “You aren’t afraid of dogs, are you?  Don’t worry, Lucky’s not dangerous.”

“I’ve got several scars from dog bites that lead me to believe otherwise, but as Lucky hasn’t harmed me yet, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.”

“Awesome!” Clint said, heading for the kitchen.  Harri heard the fridge door open, and then, “Hey!  Who ate my pizza!?”

As soon as Clint came back out into the living room, Harri pointed at Lucky, who burped, causing a piece of pepperoni to come flying out of his mouth.  Harri and Clint watched as Lucky went over to it, and re-ate the pepperoni.

“You little shit!  That was mine!”

“Maybe we should call him Pizza Dog instead,” Harri said.

* * *

**70\. Happy**

“It’s a girl,” the doctor said, handing the second baby to another nurse.

“Well, at least Nat and Luna are going to be happy,” Harriet said.  “There’s going to be a Natasha Luna after all.”

“And for the boy?” a nurse asked.

“We were already planning on Nathaniel,” Clint said.  “What about Pietro for a middle name?”

Harri gave him a puzzled look.

“What?  Nathaniel Pietro doesn’t sound good to you?”

“Nathaniel Pietro sounds just fine.  Nathaniel Pietro and Natasha Luna Barton,” Harri said, closing her eyes.  Then, her eyes snapped open and she looked at Clint in alarm, “Merlin, please don’t let them take after Fred and George.”

Clint stared at her, disturbed by the very thought.

* * *

**71\. Downtown**

_I feel the breeze, you’re feathers of an arrow | Out in my yard, feathers of an arrow |I take my aim, you fee-_

“Hey honey, what’s up?” Harri asked, answering the phone.  Clint still had no idea that her ringtone for him was Arrows by Tegan and Sara, and Harri had no intention of mentioning it.  Clint hated the song with a passion.

“You know how I said bring the kids up to New York for a while since everything’s been fine?”

“Yeah.”

“Do me a favor and avoid coming downtown.”

“Why?  What’s downtown?”

There was an explosion on the other end of the line, followed by Clint swearing and saying something about Doombots, and then the call ended.

* * *

**72\. Boot**

“Okay, this is getting a bit ridiculous don’t you think?” Bruce asked.

“What?” Clint and Tony said together.

“I have to agree with Bruce on this one,” Natasha said crossing her arms.  “I mean, the boxing glove arrow was one thing, but this?  _Really?_ ”

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with this arrow,” Clint said.

“It’s a work of grand majesty,” Tony agreed.

“In what possible situation could you need an arrow that fires a boot at the closest person’s head?” Bruce asked.

Clint shrugged, “I don’t know, but it sounds awesome.  I want a thousand, at least.”

“I can manage that,” Tony said.

“That’s it,” Natasha said.  “I’m calling Harri and Pepper.”

* * *

**73\. Exasperation**

“Ron,” Hermione asked, rubbing the bridge of her nose in frustration.

“What?” he asked.

Hermione gave him an exasperated look, “Why do you have all my stamps stuck to your forehead?”

“I’m smart like you now!”

Hermione groaned, hiding her face in her hands, trying not to laugh.  This had something to do with Clint, she was sure.

* * *

**74\. Bewildered**

“Natasha, Luna; Luna, Natasha.  Try not to kill each other,” Harri said, heading for her office, so she could fill out the paperwork to get Lila into school.

When she came back down, she found her husband sitting in the living room, giving bewildered looks towards the kitchen.

Clint spotted her and said, “I think they’re getting along.”

“And why is that confusing?”

“Everything about Luna is confusing.”

* * *

**75\. Blush**

Harri wasn’t sure which was redder – the roses in her bouquet or her face as she walked down the aisle.  She was at least not alone in blushing, as Clint turned bright red when he saw her in her dress.  Of course, knowing Clint, he was turning red because he was thinking about taking it off of her, rather than because everyone was looking at him.

“I still don’t like him,” Ron muttered, walking her down the aisle.

“I do though,” Harri reminded him.

“Which is the only reason I won’t stand up when we’re asked for objections.”  Ron put on a tight smile as they got to the altar.

“We are gathered here today,” the priest began.


End file.
